Military Humor

USMC v USN

 
 An old Navy Chief and an old Marine Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

 I did 30 years in the Corps,' the Marine declared proudly, and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.
 
 As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General Macarthur.  We pushed the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.
 
 Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire by day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our gun s were empty, and then we charge the enemy with bayonets'.
 
 'Ah', said the Sailor with a dismissive wave of his hand. 'Lucky
 bastard, all shore duty, huh?

 A Wise Old Chief

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.
 
They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two
points in their body. The officer volunteering for retirement got to choose what those two points would be.
 
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
 
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
 
The third one was a noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Petty Officer who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'
 
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Corps Officer.
 
The doctor arrived and instructed the Chief to 'Drop 'em,' which he did.  
 
The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.
 
'Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed. 'Where Are your testicles?'
 
The old Chief calmly replied, 'Vietnam...'

New Seaman on board

The Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to get over here.  'What is your name?' was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.  'John,' the new guy replied.  

The Chief scowled, 'Look, I don't know what  kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff  they're teaching Sailors in boot camp today, but I  don't call anyone by their first name.  It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.  I refer to my Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.  I am to be referred to only as Chief.  Do I make myself clear'? 
'Aye, aye, Chief!'
'Good!  Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?' 
The new guy sighed and said, ‘Darling.  My name is John Darling, Chief!'
'Okay................John, here's what I want you to do...'

Talking USMC Dog

The following is somewhat out of place here but I wanted to post it and there is at this time no appropriate Webpage on the site...so hear goes.

God sent me!

 If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!! A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments.  He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.  One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
 One day the professor shocked the class when he came in.  He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform.  I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent.  You could hear a pin drop.  Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God.  I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform.  The professor was out cold.  The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently.  The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you?  Why did you do that?"  The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot.  So, He sent me."

You could have heard a pin drop

When in England, at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'empire building' by George Bush. He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.' You could have heard a pin drop.

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There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?' You could have heard a pin drop.

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A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that,whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.' You could have heard a pin drop.

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Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. 'You have been to France before, monsieur?' the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. 'Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.' The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!' The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country. I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to." You could have heard a pin drop.